The Day The World Stopped. Or did it?

 

I went to a meeting at school earlier this year about my gorgeous boy who is doing a second run at prep.  We have 2 older boys who are breezing through the schoolwork (well, mostly) and any meetings about them are about the usual boy things – behaviour standards, not using their hands, pushing others.  The stuff that happens.

But that day, it was something else.  I met with the psychologist at school to talk about some testing that I knew had been happening for our 3rd boy.  The psychologist walked me through the testing, and was so kind, and kept checking in with me by making eye contact, and I started to wonder on what was coming.

And then.  BAM.  There it was.  Words that I was completely NOT PREPARED for.  “some of this testing is consistent with a children having an intellectual impairment”.  I heard what he said.  I truly did.  Not that he has an impairment.  But that his tests results were consistent with that.  A big distinction.  I work in the art of defining and discerning the difference with words.   I heard the distinction.  And yet, I still started to cry.

I tried to stop crying, so that he could keep talking, because I needed to hear more.   And so, I pulled it together.  I remember saying to the psychologist “I’m OK.  I’m just crying.  Keep going.  Please”.  When we were finished, I left the school, drove to the end of the road, and called my husband.  By then, I was crying so hard I couldn’t even get the words out.  Poor Dean, he was so patient, while I tried to collect myself enough to share what he, as a parent, needed to know and was news for him as well.  Looking back, that was so selfish of me.  To ring him in that state.

Well, for days, all I did was cry, whenever I replayed that meeting.  I kept feeling like things had changed.  Like the world had stopped.  My internal talk went like this “I knew he was behind the others, but I always thought he would catch up.  What if he doesn’t?”.  Cue more tears.

And then suddenly, I realised that the world was still turning.  I realised, he was no different than before that meeting.  Nothing had changed.  For him.  I was simply catching up with what had ALWAYS been the case.  For my boy.  For my sweet boy who sometimes looks so confused, and other times is just so smart and cheeky that he leads us all into wholehearted smiles!!

So, for a while, I pretended that the world stopped.  And then, when I got out of my way, out of my son’s way, I realised it was all OK.  It was precisely as it was.

Now, my job is just to figure out this new world with more words “learning impairment” “language impairment” “verification” and on and on it goes.

I have started looking for information about brains, about pathways to learning, about things that have unblocked the path for others.  But peacefully looking, if that makes sense.

Deep down, I am blessed, because I am utterly convinced that it is truly OK.  I believe… what matters most, is to make sure that my little guy knows through and through that he is loved, that he is worthy of love and belonging.  Right now.  Just as he is.  And that shouldn’t be hard.  Because I believe it.  Through and through.

K xx

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About Kathryn Hodges

Hi! I'm Kathryn. I have many hats in this life. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother (of 4!), a friend, a keen try-er of yoga, a lawyer, a business owner, an avid reader and a lover of this electronic world and it's connections. As the Principal of a wonderful law firm on the Sunshine Coast, Qld, Australia, I focus on seeing my clients as people going through change and I am committed to practising mindfully that I am dealing with people and their families. Precious stuff, hey! I hope you enjoy learning more about the things that impact on me, my life and my practice. Please leave me a comment, as I'm sure you have something you can show or teach me. We're all in this learning thing, called life, together xx Oh, and my professional obligations mean I have to remind you that my opinions are my own.
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13 Responses to The Day The World Stopped. Or did it?

  1. Sharon says:

    Hey Kathryn, thank you for sharing your vulnerability & authenticity. My darling Miss turning 16 next Monday has been diagnosed with ADHD & Asperger’s. Both of these were late diagnoses. What I have learned is that the ‘labels’ are for the benefit of other people to give them a framework of understanding. My beautiful girl is no different because of the labels & has her particular flavour of these labels.
    You are spot on with your focus in the last paragraph & I am hugely proud of my girl & the relationship we have. Has it been easy – no. Were there times when it all seemed too hard – absolutely. Would I change who she is – never in a million years.
    Big huggles to you xxx

  2. kathrynhodges says:

    Thanks Sharon. Already, in my tiny time of being in this space, I can see that the labels are about “funding models” and “learning compensation” not alternatives for my boy.
    That part will be left up to us.
    And I feel entirely the same. I would never change him – never in a million years! To have someone in my world who is so clearly driven by his feelings, and not his thoughts, is a wonderful contrast.
    Thanks for the hugs xx Sending some to you too. xx

  3. Debbie Ducic says:

    As a mother and grandmother, I can relate to how the first reaction is to mourn. We all want our kids to be “perfect” in the “traditional” sense. But these are such unconventional times and I suspect that your son is here as he is for a reason. Of course you love him just as he is and everything will be fine because love is what it’s about. And most probably…YOU will learn so much about yourself and grow because of him!

    The Universe is funny that way ;D
    LOVE
    Debbie Ducic
    GutZy Woman

    • kathrynhodges says:

      Hi Debbie,
      Thanks for choosing to stop by, and your lovely comment.
      And, yes. There is a purpose for him, for me, for the world for the increase in difference!
      Oooh – and a Q for you … why the capital Z in GutZy Woman ??
      Much Love,
      K

  4. Kama says:

    What a beautiful open and honest post and a huge realisation “I realised that the world was still turning. I realised, he was no different than before that meeting. Nothing had changed.” Such growth in that one sentence. Thank you for sharing.

  5. kathrynhodges says:

    Thanks Kama. That means a lot to hear that from you.
    Much love xx

  6. Lisa Wood says:

    Hello Kathryn,

    I can so understand what you are going through. Two of our boys have had extra help at school, and speech therapy. Its amazing, but to look at our boys, you would never know that they were once behind.
    I love how you have accepted what it is going on, and know in your heart that he is going to be ok. He is here for a reason, and you are right – as long as he knows he is loved everything will be ok.
    Sending you lots of good thoughts, and lots of love to your little man. He will be fine.
    Cheers
    Lisa

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Thanks Lisa.
      What wonderful news about your 2 boys who have had what I will call a wobbly start (I hope you don’t mind that term). I can’t wait to hear more about your travelling life, and how you juggle that adventure and family. Again, thanks Lisa. xx

  7. Liz See says:

    Thankyou so much for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes. The biggest thing that any child needs is to know they have a safe place and soft place to falll and that they are unconditionally loved….you are giving that to him so he has all he needs to cope with what’s ahead. X

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Oh, thanks Liz. Your comment is so kind. I am so very grateful that I dug deep on my courage and got this post out there. Both because of what I have received, and also because I hope that it reminds others that different is OK. And struggles are A-OK. xx

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