I sit here, MYOB done for the day, coaching call completed, a load of washing on, warm fresh coffee beside me, Eat Pray Love on the tv in front of me, laptop and fingers at the ready. This combination (of too much?) is just what I need to tackle something. Something big. A reminder to think with my heart. And so, here goes.
For the longest time, I have been busy. Really busy. Barely coping, with a list of things to do that are never done. I think it began in high school. I’ve been searching around in my mind, looking for the time when I took that fork in the road. The road I took had a big freaking sign saying “WAY TOO BUSY TO JUST BE”. I still can’t find the time when I made the choice, but somewhere along the way that is the road I chose.
Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t about being sad, or not happy, or unhappy – which are each very different things. It’s about something else.
In this midlife quest for understanding, meaning and fulfilment I am comfortable with asking questions of myself, about myself, about others, about life. These questions are not asked from torment or angst, as they may appear from the outside. I ask these questions, from the inside, from curiousity and with a firm and clear hope for wonderful tomorrows.
This one, this question, makes me feel bare. Exposed. Hopefully that means it is exactly the right one to open up on this page, pepper with some words, and see what it looks and tastes like afterwards.
Somehow, somewhere, for some reason (that I don’t yet understand) I have opted for creating a life that is so very busy. And with a distinct squirm, and although I knew it at the beginning of this post, I have avoided (hah!) getting real with it. I have more than a sneaking suspicion that I choose busy-ness to avoid. Specifically, to avoid what lies beyond. After all, if I stay busy with a life full of drama and chaos, I will never know what lies beyond.
What lies beyond drama and chaos? I don’t have a chaotic busy life full of drama. I have created a chaotic busy life full of drama. In fact, I think I have been perfecting the art of that since my high school days. Oh look, I did it again. I avoided going beyond.
The time has come to look and see what lies beyond. After all, I’m cleaning out the chaotic closets of my life, and I have handed back my ticket for the drama rollercoaster. It’s coming, this “beyond”. So why am I afraid?
I want to go back and delete that word. I want to clean it up, make it so much more comfortable. But I won’t. I choose raw. I choose honest. I choose authentic. I am afraid. Like so many (although not you of course, but the OTHERS) who cling to their self sabotaging behaviours, I have clung to the pain of the familiar, rather than releasing the pain to work through the discomfort of new. Even though it will be better. Wildly better.
What could lie beyond? What am I avoiding? With a deep breath I share a new list. A list of the things that could lie beyond the busy, the drama, the chaos. These are also the things I have been avoiding, even though I wish for them:
– personal and professional mastery
– stepping up and truly running the risk of success or failure
– time (for me, for kids, for husband, for friends, for family)
– time off (from work, from kids, from husband, from the everyday)
– trying new things
Do I dare? To stop wondering what lies beyond, but to finish, truly finish, with the drama and the chaos (my dear sweet backstabbing friends) and to walk into it.
Let it be time. My time. To choose a different road. With a new sign. A big freaking sign that says “HAPPY TO JUST BE”.