I have tried 3 titles for this post so far and have deleted them all. They were about the past. The letting go. The life that is leaving me, with or without my blessing.
All of those things are true. But they are the old. And to just write about those would fill the page, but avoid what I really need. To stop just looking at the life that is leaving, and instead learn to look at the life that is coming.
So I take a deep breath and own my truth. Amongst the sadness and the loss and the fear about what the changes will mean for me as a mother, and for us as a family, there is a sparkle. The sparkle of a buried gem, one that I must decide whether or not I am brave enough to pull it out and let it sparkle in the sunshine.
The idea that I might dare, to let my life sparkle is making me
really a little bit scared and a tiny bit excited. And then I feel guilty.
I shared here that things are changing because of Sabrina starting school in the new year.
Here she is, at the start of her very first day of being dropped off with Tyben and Coby at school. Sure it was just vacation care, but it was our first taste of the new. She’s so ready. I wish I was. Secretly I am. Then I feel bad. Working mother’s guilt, you are a biatch.
Both Dean and I are feeling how “big” this change is for us. We talked late into the night last night about how it seems like a whole other thing for him to have all 4 of the kids home each afternoon, and for me to drive straight to the office and back with no drop offs or pick ups, except if Dean has an early job.
For 13 years now, I have had an anchor. The daily anchor of a small child at a child care centre. Dropping children off, picking them up. Knowing that I could get a call any time to collect them if they were sick, and knowing that I have to finish work on time to collect them before the dreaded $1/minute penalties. I know that phone calls to collect sick children still happen for kids at school, but they happen a whole lot less. And kids still need to be collected on time, but that will be Dean’s deadline.
I feel like there is a freedom that comes with these changes. But that freedom comes at Dean’s expense, as he will now be anchored. There is part of me that doesn’t want to let go, that wants to grab that anchor and hold on tight.
But what if.
What if I dare to let that anchor go. And let us as a family settle into a new routine. Still with love, nurture and support. Just done differently.
What will that mean for me?
I have a sense, that if I dare, this could be an amazing time. If I just let it. Maybe it could be just what I need to get closer to the things I dream of. Things like this.
But here’s the thing. When I spend a while dreaming those dreams and imagining and feeling the freedom of living without that anchor, there comes a point when a wave of guilt comes over me. Is it just selfish to think like this? What if my dreams come at the expense of someone else’s. Is it possible for Dean to chase his dreams while I chase mine while we raise 4 children? Or is that too much.
I just don’t know.
But still I feel the call. The call to that sparkle I see down deep.
Do I dare?
You know what. I think I do. Probably for the first time ever I really feel the excitement of the possibility.
And so, for now, I’m going to. To dare to dream. To dream big. Bigger than I have before. To smile when I think of the changes underway. To believe that there is enough good to go around. To be OK about the reality that I will get the wobbles.
Want to join me? In the dreaming and the letting go. It would be great to have a buddy in this. Someone who can say “It’s ok. It’s just the wobbles. Keep going”. I’m happy to be yours, and would love if you’d be mine.