Do I Dare?

I have tried 3 titles for this post so far and have deleted them all.  They were about the past.  The letting go.  The life that is leaving me, with or without my blessing.

All of those things are true.  But they are the old.  And to just write about those would fill the page, but avoid what I really need.  To stop just looking at the life that is leaving, and instead learn to look at the life that is coming.

So I take a deep breath and own my truth.  Amongst the sadness and the loss and the fear about what the changes will mean for me as a mother, and for us as a family, there is a sparkle.  The sparkle of a buried gem, one that I must decide whether or not I am brave enough to pull it out and let it sparkle in the sunshine.

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The idea that I might dare, to let my life sparkle is making me really a little bit scared and a tiny bit excited.  And then I feel guilty.

I shared here that things are changing because of Sabrina starting school in the new year.

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Here she is, at the start of her very first day of being dropped off with Tyben and Coby at school.  Sure it was just vacation care, but it was our first taste of the new.  She’s so ready.  I wish I was.  Secretly I am.  Then I feel bad.  Working mother’s guilt, you are a biatch.

Both Dean and I are feeling how “big” this change is for us. We talked late into the night last night about how it seems like a whole other thing for him to have all 4 of the kids home each afternoon, and for me to drive straight to the office and back with no drop offs or pick ups, except if Dean has an early job.

For 13 years now, I have had an anchor.  The daily anchor of a small child at a child care centre.  Dropping children off, picking them up.  Knowing that I could get a call any time to collect them if they were sick, and knowing that I have to finish work on time to collect them before the dreaded $1/minute penalties.  I know that phone calls to collect sick children still happen for kids at school, but they happen a whole lot less.  And kids still need to be collected on time, but that will be Dean’s deadline.

I feel like there is a freedom that comes with these changes.  But that freedom comes at Dean’s expense, as he will now be anchored.  There is part of me that doesn’t want to let go, that wants to grab that anchor and hold on tight.

But what if.

What if I dare to let that anchor go.  And let us as a family settle into a new routine.  Still with love, nurture and support.  Just done differently.

What will that mean for me?

I have a sense, that if I dare, this could be an amazing time.  If I just let it.  Maybe it could be just what I need to get closer to the things I dream of.  Things like this.

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But here’s the thing.  When I spend a while dreaming those dreams and imagining and feeling the freedom of living without that anchor, there comes a point when a wave of guilt comes over me.  Is it just selfish to think like this?  What if my dreams come at the expense of someone else’s.  Is it possible for Dean to chase his dreams while I chase mine while we raise 4 children?  Or is that too much.

I just don’t know.

But still I feel the call.  The call to that sparkle I see down deep.

Do I dare?

You know what.  I think I do.  Probably for the first time ever I really feel the excitement of the possibility.

And so, for now, I’m going to.  To dare to dream.  To dream big.  Bigger than I have before.  To smile when I think of the changes underway.  To believe that there is enough good to go around.  To be OK about the reality that I will get the wobbles.

Want to join me?  In the dreaming and the letting go.  It would be great to have a buddy in this.  Someone who can say “It’s ok.  It’s just the wobbles.  Keep going”.  I’m happy to be yours, and would love if you’d be mine.

K xxx

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About Kathryn Hodges

Hi! I'm Kathryn. I have many hats in this life. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother (of 4!), a friend, a keen try-er of yoga, a lawyer, a business owner, an avid reader and a lover of this electronic world and it's connections. As the Principal of a wonderful law firm on the Sunshine Coast, Qld, Australia, I focus on seeing my clients as people going through change and I am committed to practising mindfully that I am dealing with people and their families. Precious stuff, hey! I hope you enjoy learning more about the things that impact on me, my life and my practice. Please leave me a comment, as I'm sure you have something you can show or teach me. We're all in this learning thing, called life, together xx Oh, and my professional obligations mean I have to remind you that my opinions are my own.
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15 Responses to Do I Dare?

  1. Gorgeous post! Good luck to you – change is hard but always worthwhile.

    Year before last, my word was transformation. No idea what last year’s or this year’s was/will be.

    Happy to help however I can xxxx

  2. Carla says:

    It’s just the wobbles darl, keep going 😀 xxx

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Thanks Carla,
      You know I’ll lean on you. Pleas promise you’ll let me know when you shave the wobbles too.
      K xxx

  3. Yeah love to be your buddy, babe!! Just about to do the same kinda leap myself- kids growing, learning to drive, the other becoming a young man, and me….?well, I’m at home not loving my work any more which I’d set up ready for the empty nest but now its lost momentum and fallen flat, now what?? My writing, my art fill the space but stil….
    I’m there with ya, lets hold hands and wobble along together
    Mwahhh!

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Yay!!! Another wobble buddy 🙂
      Sorry to hear about the changes and the loss of momentum. Keep filling your soul with your writing and your art, and all will become clear. I just know it.
      K xxx

  4. Vanessa Moore says:

    So here is another view for you….from my mind as a child.

    How great that Dad gets to spend so much quality time with his kids now and Mum is moving forward, dreaming and building FOR ALL OF US!

    Bugger the guilt. Stop it. Again, your kids will appreciate your strength, will and determination. My mother was weak and my Dad a very angry man. What I see and read about you and Dean makes my heart sing for your beautiful children.

    I will be your buddy. I am dreaming too, that the hard yards I did last year will pay off again in 2013. Not just money either. I want to be better better better. So, wobble all you like. Look to your side and I will be there. FB PM or a phone call away

    Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Vanessa,

      As always you know just what to say. I needed to hear the flip side for the kids. Not that their Mum isn’t here. But that their Dad is. What a gift 🙂 and for boys too. That must be a good thing, to have the chance to connect with their Dad.

      You are definitely my buddy!!!

      I’m sure your 2012 has built the platform for your 2013. I certainly feel like mine has.

      Thanks. I will re-read this comment until I get more comfortable with dropping the guilt.

      Love you!!!
      K xoxox

  5. Vanessa moore says:

    The one good thing to come out of my turbulent childhood is to be able to share it with others for their benefit.

    Love you xoxo

  6. Sarah says:

    Gorgeous and heart felt post Kathryn, I’m about to go thru the same thing my youngest starts school in a few weeks, although I’m looking forward to having 5 day’s to myself so I like you can grow my dreams, and work hard I’m also a little ( secretly) afraid of the how quite it will be, I do still have however pick and drop off of Mr 4 daily so it’s something to look forward to. Dream Big and do it well, it’s your time to shine 🙂 x

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Thanks Sarah,
      It’s so nice knowing it’s not just me going through these changes!
      And yes, I join you in picturing your house being very quiet. I hope you find the path to give yourself permission to enjoy it!
      Here’s to Dreaming Big !
      K x

  7. Di Riddell says:

    Kathryn my dreaming comes way past the children stage… But dreaming and letting go follow us through life, my learnings continue into my 60’s. Now as I dream and have burst into ‘sensuality for the mature woman’ I am again dreaming and letting go of ‘what if’s’

    Six years ago I wrote and self published my story, there was a whole lot of learning and letting go believe me…I reached the stage where I knew I had to speak out and losing my beautiful partner after 31 years was the final catalyst…I feel the same way now…as I have met so many women who through life experience have pushed aside then forgotten how to be a sensational and sensual woman… to be exquisitely delicious in exploring all of their senses. So often when life gets to us, the first thing to go is having fun. It makes my heart sing as I see the depth of relationship you have with your partner.

    Sooo I am still wobbling with the best of them. and it is exciting and scares me, I strongly believe my purpose is to make a difference to women who have faced challenge, come through and just don’t know where to start! So my wobbles all need to be in formation!

    If a buddy away from children is what you are seeking I would love to be one of your your buddies! Throughout challenges I discovered it does not matter what the challenge the principles for dealing with them and the emotions are similar – they simply vary in depth.

    Cheers Di

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Whoo Hoo!! Another buddy 🙂
      I think a wobble buddy who is past the kiddie stage would be fantastic. To remind me that this is in fact nothing to do with my children, my mothering, my relationship or anything. It is just life and it’s unfolding.
      I’m happy to wobble and cheer for you too!
      K x

      • Di Riddell says:

        I am thrilled Kathryn, I love the energy of bright and younger women. Wobbling together will be a treat! And I found after much gnashing of teeth in my early married life (I married a man with 4 teenagers 10-16 and I was 24 then we had a son together.) that is so much easier when you go with the flow. I wobbled a whole lot!
        I look forward to wobbling and cheering together…

  8. Di Riddell says:

    oops sorry I did not sign off Cheers Di

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