Messy. On the Inside.

Today was a tough day.

I had been reasonably alright for a few days.

In fact my last tough day was Thursday.  At the time I thought it was because I kept replaying that just the week before was Mum’s funeral.

Friday had a bit of a tough time, walking into the funeral for the mother of a friend.

But on the whole, I’ve been ok.  As much as I can be ok after losing my Mum.  I’ve been seeing my Dad begin to do some everyday things. Eating. Chatting. Walking. Planning.  My sisters have also been easing their way back into their everyday lives.

We’ve been staying in touch.  A lot.  There have been plenty of texts and phone calls.  “I just wanted to see how you’re going” has been an important part of my days.  Yesterday I got a “want to pop over for a cuppa” from Suzie. Boy, I didn’t know how much I needed that time with her until I got there.

Last week a friend came and sat with me.  It was special because he lost his Dad about 18 months ago.  I had sent him a text wanting to know how he had “got through”.  I remember him sharing that it just took time, with good days and bad days.  He told me about waking up some mornings and just wanting to stay under the covers.  For no particular reason.

Today was my one first of those days.

I woke up and just felt unsettled.  For no particular reason.  I wasn’t particularly sad or raw or anything.  I just was not myself.  I had a ball of anxiety in my belly, and I was trying to figure out how I could just run away for the day.

On the outside I was alright.  I could talk and read and write and function and smile.  But on the inside I was all kinds of messy.

I almost lost it when I had a beautifully kind client who brought for me the first sunflower from her garden.

2013-10-04 14.46.39

Between appointments I made some time this afternoon to pop on over and feel the breeze and stare at the ocean.

It helped, but I still feel a bit off.

And to add to my messy insides, Mum’s phone was disconnected today.

Now it’s official.  I will absolutely never receive another text from her.  And I can never send her another photo of the kids looking cute, just because “Mum would love that”.

This loss truly is a big shift.  And I think that I’m only just starting to figure that out.

Perhaps it is only when the raw pain begins to ease that I can start to feel how different my life will be.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

K xxx

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About Kathryn Hodges

Hi! I'm Kathryn. I have many hats in this life. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother (of 4!), a friend, a keen try-er of yoga, a lawyer, a business owner, an avid reader and a lover of this electronic world and it's connections. As the Principal of a wonderful law firm on the Sunshine Coast, Qld, Australia, I focus on seeing my clients as people going through change and I am committed to practising mindfully that I am dealing with people and their families. Precious stuff, hey! I hope you enjoy learning more about the things that impact on me, my life and my practice. Please leave me a comment, as I'm sure you have something you can show or teach me. We're all in this learning thing, called life, together xx Oh, and my professional obligations mean I have to remind you that my opinions are my own.
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14 Responses to Messy. On the Inside.

  1. Vanessa moore says:

    Feel,it, run with it, share it, be it, live it, whatever it.

    It’s yours. Again it is up to you to do or ot to do.

    Go to your beach, reach out in your blogs, scream, yell, whatever it is.

    Time my dear Sista. All I can say to you is be patient, time will ease the way you feel.

    Time Kathryn. Time……..

    I love you so much and I wish I could hug you…..HUG HUG HUG….there it is.

    Take care xoxoxoxoxo

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      I am writing it out ….

      and then I read it back and want to clean it up, tidy it up, and say it’s all OK. Because it is. And it isn’t.

      Time. Yep … just gotta make my way through it.

      I am leaning right into your Hug, Vanessa! My dear and kind friend from the other side of the country.
      K xxx

      • Vanessa moore says:

        Write it and leave it as it comes….best to let it out.

        Time time time……I can feel you leaning into it xoxoxo

      • Kathryn Hodges says:

        I’m trying to lean into it.

        And then immediately pull back when anyone seems to worry too much, or I feel silly.

        Which is pretty much everytime!
        Love you lots,
        K x

  2. Kimberlee says:

    Kathryn, your sharing is more important than you know. Life is not tidy, it is messy. Don’t clean up your writing, it is perfect as it is. As it can be. As life can be. Sending you oceans of love. Xo

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Oooh thanks Kimberlee.

      You gave me a gift when I saw you and you nurtured my body with a beautiful massage.

      Thank you.

      You will forever be a special part of this time for me.
      K x

  3. Debyl1 says:

    Kathryn you are doing all the right things.Share,write,talk and use the ocean for its comfort.
    When I read your posts I cry with you….for both of us and our Mums.
    Lets get our strength from beautiful memories.Let them keep a light shining bright inside of us.
    Big love.xx

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Don’t cry Debbie.
      I’m not.

      Well not much.

      I’m swimming in sadness and joy and love and gratitude and heartbreak and just about everything in between.

      So many feelings.
      And then numb.

      Weird.

      And yet it shall be well. I am absolutely sure of it.
      K xxx

  4. I think one of the hardest things about loss and grief is that everyone feels it differently, and it’s really important to acknowledge what you are feeling, and to give everyone their own time to grieve. When dad passed, my sisters and I all went through different stages of grief at different times, it’s just important to feel it all, acknowledge it all, and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is get up every morning and keep going about business, even if you are just going through the motions. There will be days it is easier than others, that’s ok. Grief is a roller coaster ride. Just go with it. xo

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Ah. The just ride the rollercoaster, hey.

      Can’t I sort out the route and time the trip?

      Apparently not.

      And I breathe out slowly. Again.
      K x

  5. Glen Hunter says:

    My Mum passed away almost 7 years ago now and there are times when I still miss her dreadfully. Most of all I ‘d just like to be able to sit down and have our chats about nothing in particular and everything in general. Whilst I know that’s impossible its a great memory as are the hilarious and sometimes very embarrassing things she would say and do. When I catch myself sounding like Mum then that’s another story.

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      You made me laugh, Glen.
      We are doing pretty well with the story telling, the “remember when” or “mum would love / hate that”.

      I have seen so much of Mum in Suzie … And it is so comforting to be around her.

      K x

  6. I rang my Dads phone for weeks after he died just to listen to his voice message. Left him a message or two just to see if he had any ghostly powers, but nope, nothing came back.

    The darkness of grief is physically painful, it’s hard to explain, but it tries to flatten you some days.

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      That is funny timing for you to mention your Dads voice message.

      We changed Mum’s phone number yesterday and forgot about her voice message, and thought it was gone.

      But it ended up it stayed on the handset, because my sister went to ring Dad and got Mum’s voicemail.

      COMPLETELY freaked her out.
      Ugh. Just too many feelings …
      K x

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