Today was a tough day.
I had been reasonably alright for a few days.
In fact my last tough day was Thursday. At the time I thought it was because I kept replaying that just the week before was Mum’s funeral.
Friday had a bit of a tough time, walking into the funeral for the mother of a friend.
But on the whole, I’ve been ok. As much as I can be ok after losing my Mum. I’ve been seeing my Dad begin to do some everyday things. Eating. Chatting. Walking. Planning. My sisters have also been easing their way back into their everyday lives.
We’ve been staying in touch. A lot. There have been plenty of texts and phone calls. “I just wanted to see how you’re going” has been an important part of my days. Yesterday I got a “want to pop over for a cuppa” from Suzie. Boy, I didn’t know how much I needed that time with her until I got there.
Last week a friend came and sat with me. It was special because he lost his Dad about 18 months ago. I had sent him a text wanting to know how he had “got through”. I remember him sharing that it just took time, with good days and bad days. He told me about waking up some mornings and just wanting to stay under the covers. For no particular reason.
Today was my one first of those days.
I woke up and just felt unsettled. For no particular reason. I wasn’t particularly sad or raw or anything. I just was not myself. I had a ball of anxiety in my belly, and I was trying to figure out how I could just run away for the day.
On the outside I was alright. I could talk and read and write and function and smile. But on the inside I was all kinds of messy.
I almost lost it when I had a beautifully kind client who brought for me the first sunflower from her garden.
Between appointments I made some time this afternoon to pop on over and feel the breeze and stare at the ocean.
It helped, but I still feel a bit off.
And to add to my messy insides, Mum’s phone was disconnected today.
Now it’s official. I will absolutely never receive another text from her. And I can never send her another photo of the kids looking cute, just because “Mum would love that”.
This loss truly is a big shift. And I think that I’m only just starting to figure that out.
Perhaps it is only when the raw pain begins to ease that I can start to feel how different my life will be.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.