The Itch

I wish I could come to this page and just talk. About stuff. Without needing to mention Mum, or dying, or loss, or any of that stuff.

But it seems that it isn’t ready to leave me yet.

Not long after Mum died, I did some quick research (as you do) about the stages of grief.  Fore-warned is fore-armed and all that.

I gave myself to the process (as much as I could) for the first month, expecting nothing from myself other than the essential everyday stuff.  And boy I’m glad I did.

I think I had a secret hope that I could outsmart grief.

Oh how I laugh at my naive broken-heartedness.

So many people have shared with me their experience of loss, and a common theme has been that things don’t “get better” and you don’t “get over it”, it just changes over time and the loss becomes part of your new path.  And even when the loss is as comfortable as it can be, there can still be an everyday moment that brings it all back with a thud.

I had my first today.

I was at the grocery shop, looking at my ridiculous trolley full of food. I saw all of the fruit and veg, and in a split second, I was fighting the tears.  My brain, in one of those “faster than logic” moments had reminded me that we were keeping Dad (& Mum) pretty close at the moment, maybe I could get Mum to come up and help me chop up the vegies.

I immediately had a vision of Mum, sitting at my dining table as she has so many times (before her stroke) and saying “How can I help lovey? Want me to cut up some of that for you?”.

Oh. My heart.

No amazing pledge of undying love. No wonderful life lesson given to me by my Mum. Just the picture of her doing something as everyday as offering to help chop some vegies.  THAT brought me undone.

That little peel of another layer of the onion has also exposed in me an itch that has been building for I don’t know how long now.

An itch that I just can’t seem to scratch.

2013-10-04 17.10.39

What if I’ve got it wrong? What if, somewhere along the way, I’ve missed the flashing signpost that said “Kathryn, this is the path for you”.

I don’t know why these things are connected for me, but they are.

Something about the truth about life and living and dying and death and how slender it is between them.

I am just not sure. About very much at all.

Except that I will get up tomorrow, and do my everyday things, and hope that they scratch the itch.

K xxx



About Kathryn Hodges

Hi! I'm Kathryn. I have many hats in this life. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother (of 4!), a friend, a keen try-er of yoga, a lawyer, a business owner, an avid reader and a lover of this electronic world and it's connections. As the Principal of a wonderful law firm on the Sunshine Coast, Qld, Australia, I focus on seeing my clients as people going through change and I am committed to practising mindfully that I am dealing with people and their families. Precious stuff, hey! I hope you enjoy learning more about the things that impact on me, my life and my practice. Please leave me a comment, as I'm sure you have something you can show or teach me. We're all in this learning thing, called life, together xx Oh, and my professional obligations mean I have to remind you that my opinions are my own.
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4 Responses to The Itch

  1. Vanessa says:

    Hmmm lost me a little but the itch? I think it may be about the loss?

    As you know today has been huge for me. I decided this morning I was going to scratch my itch at 4-4.30pm as that is the time she went off to Rainbow Bridge.

    So this morning and all afternoon I was as normal as I could be. We went to a winery, tasted and bought some lovely wines. We went to a little town and had a coffee, them bought some ice for our esky full of grog and came back to the cottage.

    Then, I WAITED. I watched the clock for 2 hours and at 3.30 I started getting ready. I have been so good for the last few MONTH anniversaries! Yeah right. At 4 I got the iPhone, started the music and started looking at her photos and BANG. I never knew I would have tears like that still inside me. I never thought for an instant that I could still feel her loss with such intensity.

    We’ve talked about the shop crying, car crying, office crying and now grocery store crying. I really believe after my day today that the intensity will always be there. Lurking beneath those layers, onion layers as you call them. It really comes down to just how we can conduct/handle ourselves in our daily lives. Honouring the memory of our loved one y living a full life and yet still being able to feel the loss if we need or want to.

    I miss my girl, here at silver springs I miss that she would have chased the bunny rabbits and wanted to get into the spring for a swim.

    I am grateful that I can still be here knowing that she is with me. Weird point for you to know. On Wednesday Tully was unwell and I had a feeling that Tilly wanted to take him. I told her to stop, I am not ready for him to go. On Thursday when I was coaching with Rhiannon she noticed a red mark on my chest, right under my crystal…I told her about Tilly. Freaked me out. This morning I had a pain in my chest, put my crystal on, and bam bank boom, gone!

    They never leave us. They are with us always. How much we feel them is up to us to genuinely share with them.

    I am a little down the road from you, again, dear Sista, just know that whatever you feel, Write, say or do is all good. You will survive and keep travelling down the path, albeit a little changed, but ok nonetheless. I am proof of that and you know how bad I was a year ago.

    Love you
    Hope this makes sense

  2. It can be the simple things that seemingly undo us, It can be the simple things that seemingly heal us. Inhale Peace, Exhale Love….

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Aaaah the power of the simple things.
      No matter how much we dress up life. It really is just a series of simple moments.
      K x

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