I’m so blessed. I have people who care about me, and care about me enough, to still ask “how are you doing”.
Although it’s been over 6 weeks since Mum died now, I still don’t know how to answer that question.
Of course, initially, everything was horrible and upside down and inside out. Some days I was truly not alright.
In time though, I have been able to see that there are more moments in each day that are really pretty wonderful. Even in a life without Mum.
This week, I can’t stop thinking that my grief has been like a river.
When I was in the throes of the shock and the raw heartbreaking sadness of the loss, I felt like I cried a river. The tears just kept coming and coming.
I would feel like I had cried all the tears that I could ever possibly have. And then something would remind me of Mum, or I would see someone else’s pain, and they would begin to flow again.
It seems that finally, there are less tears that need to find their way out. My eyes are very grateful. Who knew that you could cry so much that your eyes would hurt the next day.
As the tears have slowed, it is not as if the river has dried up, rather that the river has moved.
Instead of the river of tears flowing from my eyes, as my eyes have dried, it is as if the river of tears has simply changed paths.
The best description I have of myself, right now, is that I feel pretty much like myself. I feel fine, from my head to my toes, except for the river of sadness.
Now, it feels like that river is flowing through my lower abdomen.
Where it comes from and where it goes, I have no idea. I can feel it’s pace slowing and becoming less frantic. But still it flows.
I guess I simply have a new landmark in my life. The River of Sadness. For my Mum.
I will go to the River now and again, and swim in the sadness of it’s waters when I feel the need to completely immerse myself in it. In her.
Hopefully, as I make my way through this grief thing, I will feel less of a need to submerge myself in the sadness, and instead, simply sit on the quiet grassy green bank of the river, and watch the waters move on by.
After all, life will always keep moving on.
Mum always did love the water.