Petrified

I have let my body get out of control for some time now.

For most of my adult life (except for baby making times) I have floated around a particular weight. One that I am quite comfortable with. It could be lower, but hey, it puts me in the healthy weight range, and I’m ok with that.

But over the last few years, things have changed. I’m not hiding from my choices. I’ve moved less. I’ve eaten more of the wrong things and less of the right things.

About a year ago, I finally faced my ugly reality, and got on the scales.  9 kilos over my comfort zone.  9 kilos. I was so full of shame and disgust with myself.  Somehow though I pushed through the emotional desire to have another coffee and a slice of key lime pie, made some changes, and shifts started to happen.

I lost about 7 of those kilos, and then 3 crept back on, with roadtrip and emotional year.  Excuses. I know.

So, I was sitting about 5 over.  Which wasn’t great, but it felt like I could change it when I was ready.

Then about a week ago, I decided enough was enough. Time to get sorted. Not for weight loss, but for health (but always with the secret expectation that weight loss would follow).  I cleaned up my act. Starting eating breakfast. Got myself moving, and changed my portion sizes.

This morning, after some energising, get the blood pumping and the life force flowing walk / runs over the last few days, I got up to repeat the experience.  I was feeling great!  I thought I’d just jump on the scales, to see whether my choices had rewarded me yet.

I nearly died. Right there and then.  2 more kilos.

Putting me 7 over my magic number.

I wanted to curl up, roll back into bed, and pretend I’d never seen it.

I forced myself to keep getting dressed. Which meant I had to see myself naked. With my disgusting extra 7 kilos. Remembering that just yesterday Dean had spent a while scrolling through fitness sites and showing me (kindly – no intentions about me – just talking food and fitness and exercise) a bunch of amazingly fit looking women.  My body looks nothing like theirs.  NOTHING.

I managed to get out on the road.

I hadn’t even got to the next drive way before the tears started. And they just kept coming.  Before I knew what was happening, it wasn’t just tears. It was full blown crying, with sobs and horrible noises. I was trying to stay quiet, because I was ON THE STREET.

In the end, I just turned up my music so I couldn’t hear myself. I was so very grateful that the 2 walkers I did see ahead of me each turned into their own driveways and disappeared before I reached them.

I cried and I cried.

I thought I was making better choices. And yet I had MORE weight than before. What if I’ve lost the key to my own good health?  Tears.

After all, each of my sisters have lost nearly 30 kilos over the past couple of years. Things shift and change, and not just in small ways.  What if these recent 2 kilos are just the start?

Well obviously, I cannot let that happen.

Which must mean no more wine, no more scones for brunch, and I’d better not have any birthday cake for Sabrina on Friday.

Suddenly, I felt like a caged animal, trapped inside the glass walls that keep me separate from everyone else, knowing that the label of my enclosure is “Deprivation”.

I know this all sounds mental.  I also know that so many of you believe in the “throw out the scales” philosophy. Just eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water and move your body.

2013-11-17 09.20.53

I’m quite happy to throw out my scales and focus on those things. But only when I’m at my magic number.

I don’t dare throw them out yet.

After all, it was these numbers that killed my Mum.

Maybe they will kill me too.

Today I know two things for sure.

1. A walk / run where your focus is trying not to cry so loud that you disturb the neighbours and your view keeps dropping to just in front of your feet, is not very much fun at all.

2. I am petrified that I won’t be able to get on top of this.

K xxx

ps – I am hoping that by getting this whacked out crazy talk out of my head that I can see it for what it is, and let it go.

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About Kathryn Hodges

Hi! I'm Kathryn. I have many hats in this life. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother (of 4!), a friend, a keen try-er of yoga, a lawyer, a business owner, an avid reader and a lover of this electronic world and it's connections. As the Principal of a wonderful law firm on the Sunshine Coast, Qld, Australia, I focus on seeing my clients as people going through change and I am committed to practising mindfully that I am dealing with people and their families. Precious stuff, hey! I hope you enjoy learning more about the things that impact on me, my life and my practice. Please leave me a comment, as I'm sure you have something you can show or teach me. We're all in this learning thing, called life, together xx Oh, and my professional obligations mean I have to remind you that my opinions are my own.
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3 Responses to Petrified

  1. Vanessa moore says:

    I have been pondering this most of the day wondering what to say in reply.

    My first thought when I read it was “you are not your Mum Kathryn”. And I also thought that you have a really strong reason to be in charge of your body.

    I lost a heap of weight last year, simply because I looked the mirror told it to F off and funnily enough, it did. I really only changed one thing. I slowed my intake of Jim Beam and increased the wine in its place. I also slowed down on dessert and ate more nuts instead.

    It was great. I looked awesome and felt so happy in my new skin. You saw the dress! Great huh!

    Well guess what, it’s back. Who knows why. Winter? Jim Beam, yes again I am back on it. Could be anything. I’ll start to work on it again, and hopefully it comes off. After all, I bought a heap of clothes last year for summer and I want to be able to get in them without a muffin top this year.

    Make your resolve for you. Tackle one thing at a time. Depriving your self can damage the soul.

    From my heart to yours, stop beating yourself up so much. We all have things about us we don’t like, some of us have genetics against us as well. Take it slow, get rid of the fear. Come at it from love.

    I love you Sista, when you look in the mirror love yourself and be happy. Xoxoxoxoxo

    Ps. Worried over this response, wrote it and thought, just post it, she’ll be apples! Lol

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Vanessa,

      No need to have worried. Your reply makes every bit of sense and sits very comfortable in my heart.

      Yes. I am not my Mum. There ends the hysteria.

      Then it just becomes a few practical choices. Regular yoga and walks. Less desserts. More protein and leafy greens. Less wheat based products.

      🙂
      Let’s look awesome, for no reason other than we are awesome, for our meeting in March!!
      K xx

      • Vanessa moore says:

        Absolutely.
        You know I just went and had a summer prep shower. Scrubbed everything with a brush or exfoliator. Then moisturised everything and did 3 vials of vitamin A on my face.
        Feel great. Yeah a bit fat but you know what, it will go. Tomorrow morning I start walking again and then come home to do sit-ups, push ups and plank, slightly amended for me by my chiro. Clothes are ready. Hopefully hubby joins me. Walk route is planned. Just have to hope Tully stays asleep and doesn’t bark the house down when we go.

        Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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