Struggling. On the inside.

I shared with you here about our almost spur of the moment to capture the opportunity for Dean to immerse himself in his country of origin, while his Nan still has the capacity to recognise him.

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Here is a precious photo take of Dean with Nan last week.  Dear Nan is pretty confused these days, but she knows Dean and is thrilled to see him.  Dean has told me how Nan remembers going to the Big Pineapple here in Australia, even though she can’t remember how many children he has, or how long he has come to visit for.  I know this time is truly very special for Dean. And for Nan too, I hope.

As a result of our decision to hurl Dean half way across the world, I have been left here at home to keep our everyday lives ticking over.

Solo parenting. Business responsibilities. Christmas preparations. You know, the juggle of life.

I knew that moving the responsibility for all of the stuff of our lives onto my shoulders with just 2 days notice would feel pressuring.  And it has been.

There’s been plenty to fit into every day, with the sudden reality that I can’t just do things when I usually would, because I haven’t got Dean around to lean on.

And yes, all of those things have made our days here busy, but we’ve managed. The children have been delivered to where they need to go, and have come home.  We’ve eaten meals, washed clothes, spent time at end of year break ups, attended a wedding, listened to my sister perform two solos in a Christmas concert, and joined in the celebrations for my Grandma’s and my niece’s birthday.

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Happy 5th Birthday Presley!!!

I’ve even managed to finish the Christmas shopping. Except for the last 2 things … there’s always those couple of last things, isn’t there?  Tell me it’s not just me 🙂

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Even better, they are wrapped, labelled, and nestled beneath the tree.

On the outside, we’ve been doing just fine without Dean.  Missing him, but fine.

But on the inside, I’ve been such a mess.  I miss Dean.  He’s my man, my best friend, my partner, my love.  We’ve together so long now that I’m completely used to being able to talk to him almost any time, and I love having him around, even when I’m sick of him 🙂

I’ve found the time delays between Australia and England really difficult.  Right when I’m knee deep into my days, and desperate for a chat, he’s sleeping soundly.  When he is in the middle of his days, I should be sleeping, and not checking FB a million times for the magical little chat dot that lets me know he’s online.  Not that I’ve done that.  Much.

There’s been more than once when I’ve shed too many tears feeling so very far apart from him.  Something about Dean being away, having a great time, when I’ve been miserable whenever I think about how much I miss him, has been awful.

And then I’ve felt even more terrible because I should be feeling happy for him.

My struggle has got me thinking about my need for my own version of perfection. My perfectionism is not about everything being neatly in it’s own place, and perfectly presented.  My perfectionism is about being able to do it all.

That somehow I should have been able to shift things up a gear, do all the work of running our house and family that Dean and I would usually share, without breaking a sweat.  Well, I’m sorry to say, I couldn’t.

Well, I suppose to be truthful, I didn’t really break a sweat, as much as break into tears.  A few times now.

I’m grateful that we’re already over the half way mark.  I’m grateful that Dean has taken my crazy messages in his stride.

I’m still so very grateful that we could give him this opportunity.

We are breaking new ground here, I just know it.

For better or for worse, I’ve been struggling on the inside, while my partner has been unfolding and opening himself up to a whole new world.  Maybe it’s been a different type of letting go, and I wasn’t quite ready yet for another special someone to have to let go of. Even if it is just for 2 weeks.

And yet, I am absolutely sure this is all just as it should be.

Life is always wonderful. Even in the struggle.

K xxx



About Kathryn Hodges

Hi! I'm Kathryn. I have many hats in this life. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother (of 4!), a friend, a keen try-er of yoga, a lawyer, a business owner, an avid reader and a lover of this electronic world and it's connections. As the Principal of a wonderful law firm on the Sunshine Coast, Qld, Australia, I focus on seeing my clients as people going through change and I am committed to practising mindfully that I am dealing with people and their families. Precious stuff, hey! I hope you enjoy learning more about the things that impact on me, my life and my practice. Please leave me a comment, as I'm sure you have something you can show or teach me. We're all in this learning thing, called life, together xx Oh, and my professional obligations mean I have to remind you that my opinions are my own.
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