Beyond Babies

My first baby will be 15 next weekend.

FIFTEEN!

And with our other babies now being 12, 9 and 6, you would think that I would be beyond babies.

All 4 as babies

I mean, look at them!!

All 4

There hasn’t been a bottle or a nappy or a restless night with teething for many many a year now.

And, I am 40. So there’s also that.

But my sisters aren’t. They are both in their early 30s and both dream of new babies in their futures.

I don’t know why, but every time I make my peace with no more babies, and think I’m done with it, the reality for them that there will be babies (and not for me) is not easy.

Maybe it is because in my heart I still dreamed of another after Sabrina.

My head and my body weren’t so sure, though.

The decision of no more babies, for me, was definitely one of those head overrule heart moments. A moment to be stop and be sensible. After all, we were already crazy busy, with 4 children, 2 businesses and I really didn’t think I could have coped with another baby.

And yet, I hoped.

Long long ago now, Dean “took care of things” and there could be no more wishing or hoping.

I definitely enjoy that we can, kind of, head out the door at a moment’s notice, without needing to pack the gazillions of supplies that we would need with a baby.

I am able to come to this screen and write words, and get to know myself better, because our children are older and don’t need “hands on” from the moment they wake.

I am free to dream of life and work and business and opportunity, because our children are beyond baby and toddler days, and that is exciting.

But in some ways, it is exciting from the head up. Maybe even from the heart up, if I truly sit with the wildest of the wild.

But a baby. A baby begins with hopes and dreams and the excitement of life from somewhere way down deep. And I have to confess, that I miss that.

I am sad that this chapter is over for me, for us. That so often when we catch up with people, I now hear myself saying “everything’s good, everyone’s well, just all doing the usual”.

I know (in my head) that our baby days have to come to an end.

I just don’t know why I miss it so, when there is also so much freedom and opportunity in a life without the daily grind care of babies.

I don’t know whether this comes from being raised by a mother who chose to be at home, raising us, and that we all knew that her “job”, her vocation, her place was with her children. I don’t know whether it comes from the wide gap between her mothering choices and my own, as I continue to work and press on with being me.

I just don’t know.

Unusually for me, I left this post unfinished, went and did other things. Including breakfast of bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes and wilted spinach (um YUM) and of course coffee. And then THREE trips to the local IGA for emergency supplies.

Not. Even. Joking.

But somewhere in the space of a morning, instead of this just being an all sad post about being beyond babies, a gift arrived.

A thread of thought.

“Keep On Making”

Although making a cake or a rug or a book or an article is nothing and I mean NOTHING compared to a baby … perhaps it is “the making” that will save me.

Although a beautiful squishy baby would be the ultimate, it is not to be.

But perhaps I can continue my (re)productive-bringing-into-life -force-energy with the deliberate choice to keep on making.

That definitely feels a little better.

And so, I must away, and make!

Mmmm what shall I make today …

K xxx

 

 

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About Kathryn Hodges

Hi! I'm Kathryn. I have many hats in this life. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother (of 4!), a friend, a keen try-er of yoga, a lawyer, a business owner, an avid reader and a lover of this electronic world and it's connections. As the Principal of a wonderful law firm on the Sunshine Coast, Qld, Australia, I focus on seeing my clients as people going through change and I am committed to practising mindfully that I am dealing with people and their families. Precious stuff, hey! I hope you enjoy learning more about the things that impact on me, my life and my practice. Please leave me a comment, as I'm sure you have something you can show or teach me. We're all in this learning thing, called life, together xx Oh, and my professional obligations mean I have to remind you that my opinions are my own.
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5 Responses to Beyond Babies

  1. Kate W says:

    Nature decided I was done at four kids. But if I followed my heart alone, I could have gone back for more. Then I wonder, where does it end?

    • Kathryn Hodges says:

      Exactly the question, Kate. Where does it end?
      I’m 40. With 4 healthy growing kids. And I still feel it.
      I’m sorry that the decision was taken from you.
      X

      • Kate W says:

        There was plenty of lead-up to the ‘end’ so I knew it was coming (four c-sections and my wonderful doctor said ‘no more’) but I melt a little at the sight of a newborn and tv shows like ‘One Born Every Minute’ are my undoing.

        All of that said, I’m studying genetics now and honestly, if I knew then what I know now about babies, I would have been a complete stress-head during each pregnancy! My study has given me a new appreciation of the miracle of a baby. As one of my lecturers said “With so much going on, it’s a wonder we all turn out relatively normal!”

  2. Vanessa moore says:

    You know I don’t do the kid thing…….you do have another baby…..your business! Maybe not nappies and stuff, it does require the love care and nurturing like a child. Xoxoxo

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